p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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