I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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