Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
