Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
