Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
