why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
