Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She's the barista slut.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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