So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
