All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
