i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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