He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
