how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
