It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She bit a glass in half.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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