I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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