Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
