I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
