Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
