at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
