dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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