I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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