It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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