he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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