Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
