All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
