I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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