Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
