I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
