Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
