I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
her vagine was all disorganized.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
