If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
