Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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