Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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