y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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