I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
