Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
