my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
