Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
