brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
