so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
