fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
