I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
