I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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