Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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