FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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