I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
