Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
