i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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