I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
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he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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