You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
