I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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