im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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