I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
