census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
