Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Text me some of your sweat
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
