This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
