The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
