You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
